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Be the voice they don't have.

“What goes on in this house, stays in this house!”

So many of us we’re raised to keep quiet, I remember my mom always telling me, “What goes on in this house, stays in this house!”

Young boys were raised to “man up” “stop that crying”!

Others were raised and basically threatened, “if you dont stop crying, I’m gonna give you something to really cry about”!

While that style of parenting was passed down from generation to generation, and intentions were with good motive, what wasn’t comprehended here, was that we were training our kids to be quiet about real issues that were important to them. We made them believe if they spoke their truths that something bad would happen, and therefore they were forced to stuff their real emotions inside until that one day that it overflows because you can stuff anymore inside there.

Parents did not realize with that type of chastisement, was creating a stigma within itself. Making their own children feel as though they can’t speak out about what’s truly going on inside their home. Having young people develop a sense of shame to even consider discussing what went on. All the while some of us at this young age felt obligated to protect the very people who had caused us the most pain. Being groomed to think that a dysfunctional upbringing of alcoholism, and physical fighting, verbal abuse was normal for every home. Only to lead back to the golden rule, “what goes on in this house stays in this house”.

Young boys that are told to ” man up” and not allowed to feel, or shed a tear simply because of their gender. They’ve been groomed to believe if they do breakdown or truly express hurt or pain, that they are “weak” or a “wuss”. So when some of these very same young men sail through life up until that moment when their brain decides its on system overload and their ability to “stuff” emotions no longer exists, they resort back to their upbringing of being told to “man up”. They shut out everyone, refuse help or treatment options because they’ve always been taught to “man up” or that they are not allowed to feel pain or cry. Yet all that grooming that was embedded deeply into them, now becomes the very things you wished they didn’t know, because their whole world has become flipped upside down and you as their parent, want them so desperately to get help and accurate treatment. Ain’t that something!!

Young men need to know they have a voice. They are allowed to express their emotions. They are valued just as much if they decide to cry. Showing “signs of weakness” doesn’t define who they are as a person, it just means they have feelings too. Their not a “wuss” or a “pussy” or “crybaby”. Don’t continue to devalue their character by demeaning their true feelings. It’s ridiculous at times when I hear these young men mention how cruel they are often treated by others and yet consider these others their friends??? Or hearing them complain about so much, and yet its often followed by that saying, “but its coo though”. There is nothing coo about being mistreated by another person. You know why its coo to them, because they’ve been trained to accept that kind of unfair treatment and “just deal with it”.

Adolescent children who were raised in a dysfunctional home, often came from that era of keeping family secrets. Being forced to put on that fake smile or get into character when company comes over. Someone knows what I mean, out there. Some of us to this day are still walking in silence, carrying the scars and burdens from our past because we have been groomed to believe its betrayal to talk with someone else about what really went on. And its tearing us apart inside, yet we are still wearing the mask that was told by our parents we must keep it on. Dealing with so much pressure, feeling like no one else will understand, unable to put our trust in another individual because we are afraid of what others may think. We walk in torment at times, because our memories cannot be erased. So what I say is this, don’t be ashamed of your story, instead use it to help others break free from their mental bondage. Your not the stigmas that others placed upon you to believe.

I’m not here to make parents feel bad, to those who may fall into this exact scenario, however I am here to open the eyes to this new generation of parents. I don’t want them making the same mistakes that the last generation made.

We often times parent how we were parented. And if that included any form of verbal abuse or made yourself feel negatively about how you were raised, than consider making a change and start with how YOU can break that generational curse. One other word of advice, children often learn by what you do, and not what you say. So in otherwords, lead by actions of example, not lipservice. And in all honesty there really isn’t any parenting book/guide because everyone’s journey is different and every family has their own situations to face. The one book that has helped me in my latter years, was the word of God, the Holy Bible. Along with talk therapy and surrounding myself with good people. Letting go of those toxic relationships even if it fell within my own family members. You get to a point in life, where you realize your not afraid anymore.

I’m talking about what I know, and not what I heard. I know this because this was how my childhood was and my friends too. I’m speaking from my own journey. We are ALL humans with very real feelings, we are not robots who are designed NOT to feel and be controlled by others.

Thank you for reading. I hope I shed light on some real issues and possibly brought about change to mind. May God bless every person who took the time to read this article.

Trust is fragile,
Love is challenging,
Forgiveness is easy,
Forgetting is difficult,
Change is rare,
Acceptance is everything!

-Erika Brooks

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